Healing Is Not Linear 🌀
What resurfaced when I thought I was “done” and why I’m ending this cycle anyway.
I feel like a fraud…
Ten days ago, I shared a post about healing in the same place where you got sick, and I was so proud of myself for being able to say that.
And then, a couple of days later, the holiday season started, and I felt like I was going backwards, right to the place I was when I first arrived.
It felt like the moment I declared I had done a lot of healing, the Universe replied: you still have more, baby. Or maybe it was Neptune turning direct and bringing one last wave of intensity in the final stretch of its journey through Pisces, I don’t know.
Either way, today, on December 30th, I feel like a train has run over me. I feel wrecked. I feel like a fraud.
What does that Ram Dass quote say? If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family. Honestly, I’d add: go spend the holidays with them.
Christmas week has been hard AF.
I was so excited, because I genuinely love Christmas. Not so much the religious part, but the spirit, the atmosphere, the vibe. I’m the kind of person who watches Christmas movies in July. I just love them.
And yet, over the past few years, every time I spend Christmas with my family, I end up feeling sad, like my love for Christmas slowly fades.
I get caught in family drama, in their stress, and it ends up ruining the magic for me.
I know that part of this is on me. I need to set better boundaries and make more aligned choices for myself. I take full responsibility for that, and yes, there’s guilt there too.
My inner child really loves coming back to my hometown for Christmas. At the same time, she longs for the Christmases I used to have before my grandpa passed, before the family drama began, or at least before I became aware of it. So Christmas carries a lot of grief for me. And when that grief is paired with family tension and a lack of grounding, it can turn into a mess.
That’s exactly what this past week has felt like: me trying to hold my family, all the different parts of myself, and the weight of it all, feeling completely overwhelmed.
And when I’m overwhelmed, my default kicks in: food… followed by a lot of self-loathing.
I’m not here to complain. I’m just being real.
If you’ve been with me for a while, you know I value authenticity and sharing real life on social media without sugarcoating it. So this is me, as I am.
Right now, I’m struggling with this food pattern, this addiction, whatever we want to call it. And at the same time, I’m aware that this needs to end. Now.
I need to get all my parts on board and close this fucking cycle together.
We’re at the end of this Neptune in Pisces cycle, year 9, year of the snake. And sometimes the ending is the hardest part. But that’s exactly when we can’t give up.
I won’t give up.
Even if, sometimes, I wish I could disappear to a desert island all by myself.
Because I know my soul chose this. Choose me to be the generational pattern breaker. The one who writes a new book. The one who ends this karma.
And even if it’s hard AF to be that person sometimes, I know this is my mission.
As I write this, I think about Taylor Swift’s song (what a surprise) Eldest Daughter which hit me straight in the heart when it came out.
I’m the first of three daughters, and sometimes it feels like I’m carrying not only the karma of my entire female lineage, but also a deep sense of responsibility toward my sisters.
In the song, she sings: “Every eldest daughter was the first lamb to the slaughter. So we all dressed up as wolves, and we looked fierce.”
I feel that in my bones.
I’ve always been the strong one. The one who was always “fine.” The fierce, independent one.
But I’m tired of carrying that version alone.
This ends here.
This ends now.
I am not going to carry generational patterns anymore.
I am not going to carry the burden anymore.
I am not going to carry responsibility for my sisters.
I am not going to carry family addictions.
I am not going to carry guilt for choosing a different path.
I am leaving all of this behind with Neptune in Pisces.
I am choosing myself, my path, and a new identity.
AND YOU, What are you leaving behind in this cycle?
If you want to go deeper into the meaning of Neptune in Pisces, I’ve shared more about it in a previous post.
I’ve also created a free embodiment practice to help you consciously close this cycle and create space for what’s next.
You can access it through the link below.
I wish you a powerful end to this cycle, one where you allow yourself to release what no longer serves you.
You truly deserve a clean slate.
Peace & Love,
Luana